you know whats.
I just feel all blah sometimes. Like my whole body and mind gets in a funk. I have a hard time motivating to do anything. Like my studying, which I'm behind on, so I've forgotten a bunch of stuff that I need to relearn, which is frustrating. I just did some, but it wasn't too productive. And we're getting a bunch of snow tonight. Awesome. Can't get enough of that. Probably my biggest downer is that I sometime consider getting a part-time job doing something just so I can actually get ahead financially, but then I think, "Bullshit. I've got a master's in C.S., and I'm a damn good engineer, I shouldn't need a second job. What I need is one that pays me what I f***ing deserve. I got into computers in the first place so I wouldn't have to work sixty hours a week. I could've done that milking cows for crying out loud, and at least then there's no visual studio crashes and political business decisions for no/poor reasons and it's a bit more rewarding at the end of most days. FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!" But I've decided to put the search for more lucrative employment off until the end of development (another month or so), at which time I can figure out what the hell it is I want to do with my life. Or at least figure out where to do it. I'm beginning to come around to the fact that I really was about done with this town a year ago, and though I've got great friends here, if I don't get out soon I'm going to settle in a dream about somewhere else till the end of my days. But where to go? I've got to put the searching off another few weeks though, or I'll never get any code written. Sometimes I feel like I've sold out and I've got nothing to show for it but a big fucking hole where smiles are supposed to go. The biggest suck of the whole thing is I've got a shiteload of loans, so any job I get has to have some decent pay just so I can cover expenses. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, I guess.
Shite. I probably just need some vegetables and exercise. A little sun wouldn't hurt either. Or a few days, the mood always seems to pass after a bit. I'll just fake it till then I suppose.
On the bright side, I've been getting hugs from a cool girl lately, and that makes me smile. And it feels better to get all that crap off my chest, too. Thanks for listening, kids. I appreciate it.
Monday, February 28, 2005
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6 comments:
Try crying about a four month old break up, getting depressed looking at Friendster realizing how much life seems to be happening to everyone else, adding to your loans to pay for taxes... there's so much more you can try to find out you're better off as you are.
Everything will work out, CB. :)
1. been there
2. don't use friendster, but I know the feeling
3. never done that one, but I have undergrad and grad, but that does suck
4. actually, yeah, I'm doing pretty good and in the back of my head I know it.
I got a good night's sleep last night after getting that all out and I feel great this morning. You can't just keep cramming the stress down in or it builds up, I guess.
We've all been there, some longer than others.
You both should cheer up and move to DC/NoVA! As long as you don't buy a TV here, you should be happy. You'll get paid a bunch down here and save money too as long as you don't mind commuting (living inside DC is expensive and commuting here is cheaper than commuting in Boston I think, because apartments/houses everywhere, they're newer too).
Then we can hang out ALL the time and bitch about not having awesome El Palon tacos and how we have to drive everywhere.
as long as your family isn't nagging you about having a "real" (i.e., cubicle) job, you have enough money to get by without declaring bankruptcy, and you're relatively happy, you're doing fine. things will be fine in the end. you'll eventually find your dream town and dream job -- but don't find it too soon or else you'll have nothing worth working toward . . .
oops, the cubicle comment doesn't really apply to you (that's my mind talking . . .).
dang, you guys are cool. thanks for the support.
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